Bismillahi wa salatu wa salamu ala Rasulillah wa ‘ala jami’il ambiyai wal-mursalin wa ‘ala ahlihi wa sahabihi ajmain, amin.
All praise, adorations and gratitude’s belong to Him who created all beings in pairs as a proof of His oneness, who inclines the heart of the sexes to relationship as a means of sustaining creation and who makes marriage halal and prohibits zina. May all prayers of goodness be on our master and Sayyed of Prophets, Muhammad Mustafa e, on his brother Prophets u and Angels u and on the exalted sages y who are the preservers of his sublime and unique tradition, amin.
My very dear and valuable brother, I pray that Allah I honour you with walking in the Nur of Muhammad u throughout your life and bless you with good destiny and good end as alms for the essence of Islamic scholarship and wilaya, al-Imam ar-Rabbani Shaykh Ahmad Faruqi t amin. You asked this faqir to summarise the rule of relationship for a newly married couple, that I should make it brief and self explanatory. This I set out to do trusting myself to Allah U, the real force behind all events and to Him is our return. La haola wa la quwata illa billah.
Let it be known that I am very far from claiming any in depth knowledge on this issue yet I have attempted piecing together the bits we have been fortunate to pick from the exalted life of our superiors y simply because it is mandatory to say what one knows, especially in this disastrous age when the way of the tradition is hardly recognized and when the middle course trodden by the real inheritors has become unbelievably narrow. The great sage and ‘alim, Shaykh Uthman bn Fundi t mentioned in his valuable Ihya Sunna that communicating the religion is not the exclusive responsibility of the ‘Ulama y since every Muslims needs to teach whatever he has learnt to others. On this basis and solely for this reason I wish to write the following.
We are close to the end of time and the possibility of conducting a Nikkah perfectly according to the Sunnah is very remote, so the couple on their first night should seek sincere Istighfar for error(s) committed in the course of the marriage. The act of repentance is a virtue that will never be destroyed and this also strengthened the conviction that Allah I has made the couple halal for each other. Prayers of Istighfar are numerous and all are effective as far as it is followed by true sense of sobriety and repentance. However, reciting the Mulk Surah leads to Allah’s I pardon and the prayer. “Astaghfirullaha Rabbi min kulli Dhambi wa atubu ilayhi” said hundred times has been commanded by the exalted al-Imam Zulfiqar Ahmad Naqshibandi al-Mujadidi (Damat Barakatuhu). We are incline to this for the purpose under discussion and for our daily use.
Prayer for the renewal of Iman and Nikkah should be thought and used night and day. This is the way of the learned men of this Ummah y. One of such prayers from the Ahadith is:
Allahumma inni urdu an-ujaddidan Imana wa Nikkaha tajiddidan bi qawli La ilaha illallah Muhammadur-Rasulullah.
It is blessed to hold a short discussion full of encouragement and messages of love and affection. The essence of coming together should be briefly but emphatically stressed. Muslims marry to obey the Sunnah of the exalted Prophet who was sent as the best example to humanity; to find sakinah – peace and tranquility – in their mates; to assist one another in obedience to raise the flag of Islam aloft and that would be a source of honour to Rasulullah u on the Day of Qiyama.
To make a short review of the teachings regarding the ritual purification (ghusl) in the first night has been of important Islamic tradition. Eating with one’s wife in the first night and subsequently is blessed. Our exalted Prophet u encouraged this as a way of strengthening love between the couples.
Relationship between husband and wife should adequately fulfill the rules of satisfaction of feelings and at the same time uphold rules of decency. Whenever the adab of relationship is violated for reason of uncontrolled passion or for any excuse whatsoever, it is necessary to say the Istighfar and to do one’s best not to lapse into the error again. When a man’s organ is erect, say a great ‘alim, two – third of his intelligent is gone. So we need to be careful. For example, a woman in her monthly should not be enjoyed (sexually) and the region between her navel and knees should not be touched while in this state. Repentance is imperative if this rule is violated and women are encouraged to wear clothing that covers the region mentioned above whenever they are spending the night with their husband during their monthly.
Ablution should be had before relationship and fore-play and endearing words are the “messages” before intercourse. It is wrong for men to meet their partners without really arousing the interest in them. Prayers should be said before the relationship to guide the couple and their offspring from the evil of Shaytan and genies. The prayer: Bismillah Allahumma jannabna shaytana wa jannbi shaytana ma razqtana is recommended for this purpose.
Our Prophet u frowned at ‘jumping’ at women like animals. He, as the best model and example, encourage us to send ‘messages’ ahead in form of fore-play, kissing and fondling. Sustaining oneself in intercourse until the women semen is released requires much discipline and self training which are best left out in writing. It must be noted, however, that attaining this is encouraged by the religion as it strengthens love and affection between the couples.
A wife new to relationship needs to be handled gently and with extreme care so that she would receive minimal pain as she gets introduced to relationship. A man who hopes to retain the affection of his wife must always show that he cares.
Couples must not meet in total nakedness like donkeys. They are to meet under cover or with something covering the most private parts. It is always necessary that couples avoid looking at the most private organs of each other.
Talking during intercourse must be reduced to the minimum lest the child is born dumb. It is imperative to keep all bed secrets to oneself as revealing it for public consumption negates the rules of decency. It is also indecent to have relationship when a grown up person is in the room – awake or sleeping. A seven years old is considered as grown up for this Fiqh ruling and Allah knows best.
Islamic nobles y had recommended that a man should have relationship with women once in four days for good health and maximum performance. These days can be reduced or increase in order to satisfy the feeling of one’s partner or to escape the temptation of zina. But it must be understood that there is much benefit in the sayings and guidance of the Prophet’s inheritors y.
Men laying on top of his partner has been the practice for ages. However, this has not got any absolute religious sanction. As a matter of fact, our exalted Prophet e gives room to other decent methods of relationship in the hadith about Hadrat Umar t.
Whenever a man has ‘exhausted’ himself he should not rush to withdraw from his partner rather he should try to hold on for the after-play which is as important as the fore-play. A man who is capable to go more than a course should urinate and rinse the mouth after each withdrawal. It is recommended that the partners use separate kerchief or small towel for cleaning after withdrawal.
It is encouraged that couples take their ghusl (purification bath) before sleep. The guiding angels are said to be angry with a person who goes about while (with) junub. As for sleeping while in need of janabat, an exhausted person may urinate and at least perfom wudu before sleep. The best however is to endeavour to take bath. Imam Jalaladdin Suyuti t mentioned in the Tibbunabbiy that men should clean up the organs with warm water after intercourse while women should prefer cold water. This helps strengthen the organs. It is discouraged to have relationship when one of the partners is sick, sad, angry or after a meal. Light food should be preferred before intercourse. The exalted Imam Jalaladdin Suyuti t also communicated that taking whole liquid food or very cold things after intercourse are detrimental to health.
Conclusively, partners going to relationship should know that like in all other events in their lives, Allah I knows the intention and piety in the hearts. We should try to be conscious of Him who in His infinite mercy opens the way to halal so that we escape the calamities attached to haram. What we have written so far are the adabs of relationship and there is no goodness in any deed done without efforts to fulfill the adab. Adapting to this to the best of our ability is following the best of mankind and the most upright in moral and adab, Habibullah Muhammad e and entering the door of endless happiness. And Allah I knows best. Walhamdulillah.
Bedroom fiqh is originally a short letter of advice by Faqir Abdulqadr An-Naqshbandi Mujaddidi t in response to the request of a Muslim brother who was about to go into wedlock. For more on the topic discussed contact:
Faqir Abdulqadr An-Naqshbandi Mujaddidi – Nigeria